Finally Friday is where I come and talk about stuff not necessarily having to do with books I'm reading, because I need a place to talk about things that I normally wouldn't tell anyone but I want to tell someone. Sort of like a journal but at least I wont feel like I'm talking to myself and there's hope that he might actually read this (which I doubt). So, this is a special post because is April and April is a special month.
I've talked about a book I'm writing, or trying to write. I'm not a writer so it's really hard, I've been working on it for 8 years, I think it might be 9 already, I've lost track. The reason why I really want to write it, is because it's my love story. So, it's really a personal reason, I don't know if it'll be interesting but I want to have it written as a reminder of what once was. Of course it's also in my mind but I want to be able to look at it, read it and think about it. Great reasons to be motivated and finish it, but seriously I'm stuck on chapter 3. I have different ideas and pieces but I need a way to fill the pages between the main events. Anyway, April is special because it's his birthday! In the book I call him Blake (I've changed his name a couple of times, so I'm still not sure about it, but let's call him that for now). I can't believe everything happened about 10 years ago, it'll be 11 in October but that's another part of the story.
The real story is very confusing and weird, I always thought it was because we were young and shy, but now I don't really know what happened. We never actually talked about it, but I know we've decided to live separate lives and be 'friends'. Does that really work? I think the last time we talked was about a year ago and that didn't go like I hoped, so I wont be able to tell him, which is the main purpose of this post.
Happy Birthday Blake! I hope you had a wonderful time! I hope you're safe wherever you are and I'm so proud of you for everything you do, it's not easy and I worry about you all the time, wondering where you are and if you're in danger. Sadly, you chose a path that is very difficult and dangerous but I know it's an awesome job. Thanks for joining and I wish you're happy and that you take care.
I wrote this a while back, can't remember how long exactly but I know it was more than 3 years ago. It'd be cool if I could add it to my book but I don't see a way to do it. I changed lots of things in the story, names and events but the main idea is there. Things did happen that way but I've made it 'better' in a way. This I wrote as me, thinking of him and our real story and hoping he'd read it someday.
Was it your hand in my hand, your eyes looking at me, the words you said to me*This is why it's taken me so long to finish a simple book, I'm not a writer.
I don't know, but I froze, my mind went blank. There was nothing I could say
Now that we're apart, my heart is racing and my mind goes crazy
Many things I want to say and things I wish I'd do...
If only I'd realize then, there wouldn't be another chance
Why couldn't I think ahead, and keep my mind from dreaming again
Since I have to explain everything I do, yes I'm weird. I still love him, my friends say I'm obsessed, which is why I don't talk to them about it anymore lol, but I don't see it as an obsession. I don't stalk him or his family, I'm giving him space which is why I wont say happy birthday. Things didn't work out but my feelings didn't go away just like that. I want him to be happy, why would it be an obsession? Okay maybe writing the book for that reason sounds a bit weird but I just don't know how to explain it and make them see why I don't see it as a bad thing. Please don't judge me lol