It's a special Friday!
Finally Friday is where I come and talk about stuff not necessarily having to do with books I'm reading, because I need a place to talk about things that I normally wouldn't tell anyone but I want to tell someone. Sort of like a journal but at least I wont feel like I'm talking to myself and there's hope that he might actually read this (which I doubt). So, this is a special post because is April and April is a special month.
I've talked about a book I'm writing, or trying to write. I'm not a writer so it's really hard, I've been working on it for 8 years, I think it might be 9 already, I've lost track. The reason why I really want to write it, is because it's my love story. So, it's really a personal reason, I don't know if it'll be interesting but I want to have it written as a reminder of what once was. Of course it's also in my mind but I want to be able to look at it, read it and think about it. Great reasons to be motivated and finish it, but seriously I'm stuck on chapter 3. I have different ideas and pieces but I need a way to fill the pages between the main events. Anyway, April is special because it's his birthday! In the book I call him Blake (I've changed his name a couple of times, so I'm still not sure about it, but let's call him that for now). I can't believe everything happened about 10 years ago, it'll be 11 in October but that's another part of the story.
The real story is very confusing and weird, I always thought it was because we were young and shy, but now I don't really know what happened. We never actually talked about it, but I know we've decided to live separate lives and be 'friends'. Does that really work? I think the last time we talked was about a year ago and that didn't go like I hoped, so I wont be able to tell him, which is the main purpose of this post.
Happy Birthday Blake! I hope you had a wonderful time! I hope you're safe wherever you are and I'm so proud of you for everything you do, it's not easy and I worry about you all the time, wondering where you are and if you're in danger. Sadly, you chose a path that is very difficult and dangerous but I know it's an awesome job. Thanks for joining and I wish you're happy and that you take care.
I wrote this a while back, can't remember how long exactly but I know it was more than 3 years ago. It'd be cool if I could add it to my book but I don't see a way to do it. I changed lots of things in the story, names and events but the main idea is there. Things did happen that way but I've made it 'better' in a way. This I wrote as me, thinking of him and our real story and hoping he'd read it someday.
Was it your hand in my hand, your eyes looking at me, the words you said to me
I don't know, but I froze, my mind went blank. There was nothing I could say
Now that we're apart, my heart is racing and my mind goes crazy
Many things I want to say and things I wish I'd do...
If only I'd realize then, there wouldn't be another chance
Why couldn't I think ahead, and keep my mind from dreaming again
*This is why it's taken me so long to finish a simple book, I'm not a writer.
Since I have to explain everything I do, yes I'm weird. I still love him, my friends say I'm obsessed, which is why I don't talk to them about it anymore lol, but I don't see it as an obsession. I don't stalk him or his family, I'm giving him space which is why I wont say happy birthday. Things didn't work out but my feelings didn't go away just like that. I want him to be happy, why would it be an obsession? Okay maybe writing the book for that reason sounds a bit weird but I just don't know how to explain it and make them see why I don't see it as a bad thing. Please don't judge me lol
thanks for sharing.. I know the super personal stuff is hard.. I used to write it down but got scared. I am writing something now.. and it will probably never go further than who I am purposefully writing it for but it took me awhile but I figured out just writing everything out (dont anaylze dont proofread just write) and go back after you finish the first draft and then edit and change and re-arrange and fill in. and then do it all again.. It is helping me stay focused and moving forward. I have gotten a lot more done now that I am focused on just writing and not editing.
ReplyDeleteOk sorry for rambling!!
Hope your day goes well.
No judgement. Sounds like a complex relationship and we can't help how we feel. Write away :)
ReplyDeleteBrandi @ Blkosiner’s Book Blog
Hi Rivie, this is a wonderful post. First of all, you are a writer because you are writing. I love the little section you shared. The first book I wrote, which only my mom and sister have read, will never see a bookshelf. I didn't mean to make it so autobiographical or prophetic...wrote about a breakup, months later my own break up was terribly similar. I understand when your heart holds on against all reason. Stupid heart! I say never mind saying you're not a writer, or trying to change things or make things better. Go with the tone of the section you shared, write, read, write, read. Then you can move on to writing your second book.
ReplyDeleteThat's not weird! Write what you want to write about, that sounds cute! I had a guy like that I couldn't get over so I wrote him a really long letter that was our story as well and even though I would never give it to me, I felt so much better. Hope this will help you as well!
ReplyDeleteAlise @ Readers In Wonderland
Oh dear. That sounds like a wonderful story, and hope the real story works out for you too. ;) Write it. That's what makes a strong story, those strong feelings. :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's beautiful, Rivie. I bet you write good poetry. I've enjoyed reading more about you. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your past with us. Happy Birthday, Blake! Jaclyn @ JC's Book Haven
ReplyDelete